So today, I would like to turn my feelings into art. Why? Because I feel as though my trauma has occupied so much of my internal space that I’d like to give it a new home.
I will, therefore, dump all my thoughts and feelings here, without considering the perfection of writing — i.e. observing the correct grammar and punctuation — I will simply write off of vibes.
I have been a trauma survivor for 3 years now. And it pains me that something from that long ago still impacts me til today. I deal with feelings of being a burden, feeling guilty for existing, and even feeling ashamed of the feelings that I’ve buried inside me. I’m tired of living with these feelings and going through this cycle of shame and guilt for being a messy human being. I hate the fact that I am not perfect, that I can see my flaws in 4k, and that other people can also sometimes see the spills of the pain that I am trying to hide. I feel ashamed of the fact that I am a human being with a loud voice — a voice so strong that it demands to be heard. My loud voice triggers feelings of being too much — and that other people do not want to hear me speak. And so, I often believe that it is better for me to curl up and hide, away from anyone that can see and hear me. I try to dim my voice so hard, but it only gets louder and louder. Every time I repress that side of me, it becomes a lion that cannot be tamed. I end up overwhelming a person or I end up completely destroying what we’ve built because of the fact that I’ve silenced this voice. I guess my solution then, is to embrace this God-given voice. But I think that I’ve learned to become ashamed of this voice because of a few people’s distaste for my passion.
I wonder why it has taken me this long to realise that these people’s perception of me does not actually define me, or my worth? I’m so surprised that these people’s views of me have ended up occupying so much of my subconscious (and conscious self), that I was actively trying to mask and hide bits and pieces of myself so that I didn’t have to come across as too much. I still feel like I can be too much sometimes, I’m a bit erratic but I accept that. I haven’t been created perfectly, and I can do a lot to improve myself and the way that I come across to those that are around me — but I am no longer trying to hide away from my shadows. I hope to be around more people that don’t dim my voice, as they empower me. They help me nurture the gift of communicating that I have been given. I intend to use my voice to be authentic and real, and I will keep saying what needs to be said — regardless of whether it is comfortable or uncomfortable. Upon me though, is to be respectful and kind whilst speaking up!
By the way, when I say that my voice is really loud, I do not mean it in a literal sense — because I am naturally soft-spoken for the most part — but I mean, I am a woman that does not hesitate to communicate her rawest, realest thoughts. I don’t have it in me to conform, or to act in accordance with what goes against my beliefs and values. And although this is absolutely healthy and necessary, this was often a pain in the backside for those who I’ve come to realise, wanted to silence me. I’ve been gaslighted, stonewalled, smeared, betrayed, and invalidated for wanting to be heard. After a while, I started to believe that I was the problem because I was the common denominator of all of this. I was the one who was chronically dissatisfied with what was being offered to me. I’d ask myself, what’s wrong with me? Everybody else seems to take it but I can’t. I am constantly resisting this — so I guess there’s something wrong with me! And bam! The shame is back in action again. In recent months, I’ve come to realise that those cries that I had back then, were cries of being emotionally abandoned and neglected. I’ve come to realise that I am deserving of significantly more… Why? Because I can give myself more than what they’ve given me!!
I am an advocate. I have been blessed with the ability to stand up for what’s right and what’s wrong, and I am grateful for being such a risk-taker. It is not easy to speak up sometimes because it requires for you to open your heart up in the most vulnerable of ways. And it forces you to step out of the box that has been created. You become a leader in your own right through having such a voice, but sometimes it comes at a cost. Most of my complex PTSD comes from the fact that I couldn’t hide my voice, and it has at times, put me at risk. Most of the injuries that I have faced as a result of being raw have been mostly psychological, and emotional, but it has also impacted parts of my physical health. But would I do that again? Yes! Because speaking up creates a safe space for those who have hidden to come out. Speaking up allows for others to be seen and heard. Speaking up is an act of courage, and blending in is a much easier thing to do. However, I believe that this trait that I dislike most about myself has been the thing that has brought me closer to my faith at the same time. My protection is only from Allah, and my reward, I hope, is with Him too.
